


love is where yesterday is

by tigriswolf



Series: meme fics [34]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Bucky Barnes is so tragic, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychological Trauma, roaring rampage of revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 13:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2390213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigriswolf/pseuds/tigriswolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was this one time, in the war, when Steve got hit with some new weapon while they attacked one of Hydra’s factories.  It burned, and it was cold, and then he went down and didn’t wake up for 12 hours – he knows because Bucky counted.  Bucky told him. </p><p>And Bucky said, “Hopefully those plans were just at that site, ‘cause no one got outta there alive, Stevie.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	love is where yesterday is

**Author's Note:**

> Title: love is where yesterday is  
> Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Anne Sexton  
> Warnings: violence/death/everything implied by the existence of an ex-Winter Soldier  
> Pairings: implied past-Steve/Bucky  
> Rating: PG  
> Wordcount: 1215  
> Point of view: third  
> Prompt: _It doesn't take Steve and Sam all that long to find Bucky. Mostly, because when they do find him, he's catatonic. Breathing and occasionally blinking, but nothing else. (Why, when, and where up to author.)_
> 
> _Steve...well, Steve doesn't handle this so well._
> 
> _Bucky may not be able to be angry about what he's suffered at Hydra's hands, but Steve figures he's got enough anger for the both of them. So, he leaves Bucky in Bruce and Sam's capable hands and heads out._
> 
> _This time, he takes no prisoners._
> 
>   _And after each mission, Steve makes sure to come back and resume his vigil at Bucky's bedside, and describes in great detail how many agents were still in the building when he collapsed it, who he killed personally because he saw their name in the Winter Soldier file, how many fewer people there are in the world who can ever hurt Bucky again._

SHIELD was never not Hydra. The SSR might’ve had a chance, but SHIELD is not salvageable. And Steve doesn’t plan on even trying. 

.

The first location he hits, he intends to take prisoners, to get intel to help Bucky (who still hasn’t said a word since they found him, sitting cross-legged on the mall outside the Smithsonian). But it’s a recalibration site. They have a chair. 

There was this one time, in the war, when Steve got hit with some new weapon while they attacked one of Hydra’s factories. It burned, and it was cold, and then he went down and didn’t wake up for 12 hours – he knows because Bucky counted. Bucky told him. 

And Bucky said, “Hopefully those plans were just at that site, ‘cause no one got outta there alive, Stevie.” 

_No one got outta there alive, Stevie._

He’d intended to take prisoners. It doesn’t work out that way. 

And when he gets back to New York, to Bucky curled up in the smallest space he can find, he kneels down and he blinks back tears, and he says, “No one got outta there alive, Buck.” 

Bucky doesn’t react. 

.

“Cap, we could use your help,” Fury says. 

“Please, come in,” Coulson requests. 

“Hey, your boy smiled today,” Sam reports. 

Steve speeds up the takedown and goes home to New York. 

.

He doesn’t know if Bucky is listening. Doesn’t know if Bucky’s alive in there to hear. But Bucky spent 23 years taking care of Steve, Bucky _died_ for Steve, and then while Steve slept, Bucky – 

Steve had promised, hadn’t he, that he wasn’t stopping until all of Hydra was dead or captured. But he did stop. He stopped, and Hydra was captured, and he looks at Bucky, staring down at the floor, hair long and messy, skin pale and eyes sad – 

This time, he’s not stopping and there’s no capturing. 

.

“Captain Rogers,” Coulson says, “we _need_ information.” 

“Cap,” Barton says, “me and Nat found somewhere you oughta check out.” 

“Steve,” Sam says, “your boy glared at the banana and grabbed an apple instead.” 

.

It’s never going to get much better. Bruce and Sam have done their best, and as far as they can tell, Bucky _is_ in there. But he’s hiding. He doesn’t trust anyone or anything. He’s terrified. 

He’s been terrified for 70 years and that’s Steve’s fault. 

So until Hydra is dead, until he sees it with his own two eyes, he’s going back out there and he’s scorching the earth, and then he comes home to Bucky, and he settles down by wherever Bucky’s hiding now, and he tells him, “No one got outta there alive, Buck.” 

.

“You should know,” Steve says when Coulson tracks him down to Stark’s lab, where Stark’s making modifications to the suit, “Director, that if I get even the slightest _hint_ your SHIELD is infected –” He looks Coulson right in the eye and he smiles. 

“Captain,” Coulson says, “I assure you –” Steve tilts his head. Coulson closes his mouth. Stark huffs a laugh, shaking his head. 

“Captain,” Coulson starts again, “I understand your rage. But we need information we cannot get when you keep executing everyone who might know something.” 

Steve turns back to Stark. 

“And,” Coulson continues, “if we could debrief Sergeant Barnes –”

Steve has him against the wall, feet dangling off the floor, before he even realizes he’s moved. “Do not,” he orders, “go anywhere near Bucky. You or anyone you send. I’ve told you, and Fury, and your doctors and your scientists.” 

Coulson’s doing his best to maintain that stoic face, but Steve can see the fear in his eyes, feel how much he’s trembling. “Listen to me,” Steve says softly. “Director, are you listening?” 

“Yes, Captain,” Coulson says. 

Steve lets him drop, but leans in close to say, “You need to understand. There are no words, in any language, that explain how much more Bucky Barnes means to me than you or your organization or your ideals _ever_ will.” 

Coulson nods. “Mr. Stark. Captain. I’ll see myself out.” 

Stark says, “Best not take any detours, Agent. I’m thinking Cap won’t like it.” His smirk is just a little cold – since they learned of Coulson’s survival, he hasn’t treated Coulson the same. Stark doesn’t like being lied to. 

“Look, Cap,” Stark says when they’re alone but for the robots, “I swear – you keep your boy here, and no one can get him.” 

Hydra killed Stark’s parents and they used their asset to do it. Stark knows that. It’s in the file that he and Natasha cobbled together, that Bruce and Sam damn neared memorized, all in an effort to help Bucky. 

There’s not much of the asset left. He hasn’t been violent. Hasn’t disobeyed a single sentence, whether phrased as a question or a statement. He’s just… there, somewhere inside his head, and Steve hopes that one day he feels safe enough to come out. 

“Thank you,” Steve says. “I… I need to go to the gym.” 

“Destroy whatever you like,” Stark says, turning back to the specs for the suit. “I’ll just keep on replacing it, Cap.” Steve isn’t supposed to hear the muttered, “Least I can do,” so he ignores it and keeps walking. 

.

After Steve leaves the gym down another three punching bags and has a long, scalding shower, he goes to Bucky’s room. Natasha’s there, reading aloud; Steve leans against the wall just outside the door and listens – she’s reading _The Velveteen Rabbit_. A long time ago, Bucky and Bucky’s ma read it to the girls. 

He waits until Natasha’s finished, hoping neither of them can hear the sobs he tries so hard to stifle, and when Natasha comes out, she pats his shoulder. “He’s alive, Steve. Remember that.” 

Steve nods, wiping his eyes, and when he goes in, Bucky meets his gaze before looking back down at the book, tracing the illustration on the cover with his right hand. He doesn’t often use the left, even though, back before, he used both equally. 

“Hey, Bucky,” Steve says. 

Bucky looks at him again and holds out the book. 

“Okay,” Steve says. He’s not sure if he can take the place Natasha left on the bed; he’s so much bigger than her. Doesn’t want to crowd Bucky. But Bucky – scoots over a little. 

So Steve, as carefully as he knows how, settles beside Bucky, arranges the book so they both can see it, and starts to read. 

.

When he dreams, he always sees the Bucky that was before the war. The Bucky that once told Rebecca, “You gotta be gentle,” when she tried to pick up their neighbor’s kitten. The Bucky that taught Olivia to throw a punch and that she was never too good to kick a guy in the nuts. The Bucky that cuddled with Julia after her first sweetheart broke her heart and promised there were better guys out there if she wanted one. 

The Bucky that shook his head at Steve and wanted to invent things that let them go to the stars and always finished the fights that Steve started. 

.

He tells Bucky, “No one got outta there alive, Buck,” and he waits every time to hear Bucky say, “Rogers, you numbskull, when you gonna stop fighting?” 

He’ll keep waiting.


End file.
